


Old Friends Give the Best Advice

by LeelaSmall



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Bar Talk, Gen, Mentions of Vore, Smoking, The Nightmare Realm (Gravity Falls)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 10:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21252128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeelaSmall/pseuds/LeelaSmall
Summary: Pyronica wasn't expecting to find an old friend that night at the bar, but he clearly needed some help working out some problems of his own. Set during Spawn of Cipher. [Original publish date: May 18, 2016]





	Old Friends Give the Best Advice

The tip of the cigar lit up with a bright shade of pink and shot a couple of tiny fireballs as she took another puff, the smoke she expelled spelling the word 'bored'. She leaned back with a sigh, the leather lining of the bar stool creaking beneath her. This truly was a slow night.

Pyronica couldn't help but groan as she reminisced about the past. She missed the good old days when she was a well-known interdimensional criminal, spreading terror with her old comrades. That had been the best time of her life, but all that came to an abrupt end when they tried to pull their greatest heist: Weirdmageddon.

It was all going so well. They were wreaking havoc, turning people into stone… and they were this close to taking over world! It was perfect!

Until the humans decided to fight back.

She cringed at that memory. She still couldn't believe that they had been defeated by a bunch of _humans_. It was so humiliating…

She picked up her half-empty glass and swirled her drink around absentmindedly, frowning as she recalled what had happened to her leader. After Bill was beaten by that old man and got turned into stone, her and the others became the laughingstock of the Nightmare Realm. They were humiliated everywhere they went, constantly being reminded of their shameful failure. Of course the teasing simmered down a bit after a few years, but there were still some who insisted on the subject.

She hadn't heard from Bill in a while. Word around the Nightmare Realm was that after escaping from his stone prison, he made a deal with Time Baby and ended up falling for one of the humans that defeated them all those years ago. And to make matters worse, she was told he accidentally got her pregnant.

She couldn't help but growl at that new information. After all those retched humans put him through, how could he be weak enough to allow himself to develop feelings towards those… _people_?

"Give me the usual, G. And make it a double."

She immediately sat up straight as she heard that voice; that clearly familiar voice. Quickly turning her head to her right, her suspicions were confirmed: Bill Cipher had just taken the seat next to her.

She was surprised about how distressed he looked. He slumped down against the counter as he waited for his drink, his bowtie undone and his eye swollen and bloodshot. If she didn't know any better, she would've thought he had been crying.

He groaned as his drink was slid in front of him, straightening himself just enough to down the flaming green beverage through his eye in one gulp, asking for another one right afterwards.

Pyronica couldn't help but smile upon seeing him, considering whether or not she should talk to him. They had been through a lot together, so the least she could do was acknowledge his existence.

"Well, well! Look what the cat dragged in." she said as she seductively crossed her legs, her drink still in her hand. "Long time no see, Cipher."

Bill looked at her from the corner of his eye and furrowed his brow, clearly unhappy to see her.

"Wasn't expecting to find you here at this hour, Ronnie." He stated emotionlessly as the bartender handed him his second drink. "What's the occasion?"

"I'm on a date." She declared, patting the large bulge in her stomach. "He's not much of a talker, but I think it's going pretty well."

Bill didn't reply; he simply rolled his eye and gulped down his drink once again.

"So what have you been up to, lately?" She asked as she removed her cigar from her mouth and took a sip of her beverage. "Last I heard, you knocked up your girlfriend."

"Good to know my personal life doesn't go unnoticed…" he grumbled sarcastically, slamming his now empty glass on the counter. "Give me another one."

"You know, I never expected to see you reduced to this."

"Excuse me?"

"I still remember the time when you were plotting to take over the universe. You had such passion for evil, you didn't let anyone stand in your way. But now…" she sighed in disappointment. "Look at yourself. You're a sad sack. I haven't seen you looking this bad since you got turned into stone. I don't know what happened since you turned good to be with that human girl, but I never thought you'd go soft like this."

"How dare you?!" Bill exclaimed and punched the counter as he began to turn red with anger. "I'm Bill Cipher! _The_ Bill Cipher! I don't go soft! I'm still as evil and ruthless as I was since the beginning of time!"

"I guess that explains why you're here, then."

Bill was about to retort, but suddenly fell silent, not knowing how to respond.

"W-what do you mean?" he stuttered, his tone now lower.

"You really are as evil and ruthless as you were before if you left your pregnant girlfriend alone while you hang out at a sleazy bar with a bunch of other demons like yourself."

Bill fell silent once again as he let that information sink in, afterwards burying his face in his hands and groaning desperately. Pyronica rolled her eye at how pathetic he looked, but couldn't help but feel for him.

"Look, even though I resent you for siding with the humans, I really hate to see you like this." She said as she set her drink down on the counter. "You and I both know what happens after a demon mates with a human, and we both know it's not pretty. So what exactly are you doing here?"

"It's…" he sighed deeply. "It's complicated."

Pyronica gave him an unimpressed look as she took another puff from her cigar, the smoke she expelled forming the word 'really?'.

"I just… I can't bear to see her suffer like that. Call me a coward, but I just can't go back."

"You know, running away from your problems isn't going to make them go away." Spoke a muffled voice from inside Pyronica's stomach. "If anything, it just makes them worse."

"Is that Keyhole in there?" Bill inquired, gazing at Pyronica's large abdominal area.

"Yeah." Keyhole replied. "Hi, Bill!"

"Look, I appreciate your input in the subject, but there's nothing you can say that will make me go back." Bill declared, turning back around and crossing his arms. "My mind's made up."

"I can feel you're battling your feelings, and that won't do you any good." Keyhole insisted. "You need to go back and face your problems head on. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better after you fix everything."

"I can't go back! What would I do, just stand there while I slowly watch her die? I couldn't live with myself after witnessing that!"

"I understand how you're feeling, but is it really better to leave your girlfriend alone while she suffers from both the pregnancy and the knowledge that you deserted her, instead of staying by her side comforting her and assuring her that you'll be with her no matter what?"

Bill glared wide-eyed at the bulge in Pyronica's stomach, surprised by how knowledgeable his former companion was. That statement must've gotten to him, because he was beginning to doubt his decision.

"Urgh, I hate to admit it… but you're right." He grumbled as he conjured some money.

"So are you going back?" Pyronica asked before gulping down her drink.

"I don't know, yet. But I'll think about it." Bill replied as he dropped the money on the counter. "Keep the change."

He floated up from the stool and towards the door, mumbling something incomprehensive under his breath. Pyronica watched him leave, curious about his next move. She just hoped he wouldn't do something he would later regret.

"You never told me you were so deep." She said, looking down at her stomach.

"I minored in Psychology." Keyhole declared. "Look, it's been great, but do you think could I get out of here, now?"

"No."


End file.
